Sunday, December 20, 2009

due date

When this happens there are so few 'concrete' things to hold on to. What I have is a stick with two purple lines, a birth centre card with one entry, a blurry six-week scan showing a heart beat that wasn't there six weeks later and an almost finished green tiles quilt.

And I had a due date.

And so it was yesterday that I awoke and the tears that I manage to hold on to most days just flowed as if I had already previously given myself some kind of permission that today it was ok to cry.

We went to the beach and we had lunch and it was in actual fact a lovely family day in an otherwise busy and chaotic time. And I couldn't help feeling all day like it would have been a beautiful day to have my summer baby.

19 comments:

  1. I'm crying again. Words just fail.

    My heart goes out to you.

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  2. Hugs and warm thoughts to you xxxx

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  3. (((hugs))) Lots of comforting thoughts going your way!!!!

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  4. It's ok to be sad, it's ok to wonder about the what if's and it is ok to cry too x

    Thinking of you xx

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  5. Oh honey, what a difficult time. There is an almost 3 year old walking around daylesford born on my miscarriage due date that often makes me catch my breath and wonder.Love to you!

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  6. My date is our wedding anniversary!! Let the tears flow love, let them flow.. xx

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  7. Oh, Possum. That is one heck of a tear-shedding permission slip to hold on to every year. Important stuff, that. Did you just feel your breath knocked out of you? That was the huge-est hug. x

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  8. Hugs and blessings to you and yours xxx

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  9. Oh Mel, I have just spent the last while reading back and wondering how I missed it all in your blog... I had a missed miscarriage when I was 4 1/2 months pregnant - the baby died much earlier but there was no evidence till then - it was so soul destroying and I greive still. I got pregnant when W was about 5 months old and he is now nearly four. Like Kate from Fox's Lane, I have a frioend who has a little boy born at the time my little spirit would have come and I whilst I hardly know this boy as we have moved away, I love him with an intensity that is unsettling. It is the planning a life that is different from the one I am in now that knocked me for six. I had myso and birthed my child at home and buried them under an apple tree but the grief rolls on in moments like this. Hope this comment isn"t horribly out of order - everyones experience is so different but I just want to say - go with your better judgement and spill tears when ever you need to. The ache in my heart - renewed by your story is a more beautiufl ache each time it is renewed. And I am amazed at the joy of belonging to an amazing community such as this where the modern phenomena of not recognising the grief that comes from a miscarriage is not only nonexistent biut across the miles and across time and space, women such as you and I can some how connect a heart string and continue our journey a little more connected to teh amazing world of women and our womens lives.
    Go well
    xx

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  10. I'm so sorry it has taken me this long to leave a comment. You have been on my mind since I read this post and I have been trying to think of a comment that is deserving of what you have written. I don't know what to say except I hate that you are so sad.

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  11. I am late posting, but I do so with all love and sincerity. I am thinking of you and hoping each day gets a little easier.

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